Sanchita

    There was a couple sitting in the cafe when I walked in. As the light was low, I didn’t know who they were until the woman turned around, and I saw it was my wife. I knew I’ll find her here. Her flattering pink cheeks were reflecting her lovely saree, giving total competition to the little black bindi placed perfectly on her forehead, and my wife oblivious to my presence, was now talking to the waiter. Her partner was checking on his mobile phone. Looking at them, memories flashed before my eyes of those days when I took Sanchita, my wife, out for meals. I wouldn’t lift my gaze off her, never. I still can’t. But I’ll have to. She shouldn’t see me, now is not the right time. I made my way cautiously through the crowd and took a seat out of her sight from where I could see her clearly. She made me fall in love yet again with her consummate elegance. My mind played noughts and crosses, my whole being shivered. I felt a surge of emotions engulfing my heart and narrowing my mind as I saw her talking to him. I could not decide whether I felt more helpless or more dejected as I saw my wife having tea with that intruder. And that smile, oh. Her smiling radiance seemed to take me in its periphery and suddenly I felt very weak. 

    I stood up to leave when she saw me. For a brief thirty seconds we were still, both of us, staring dumbly at each other. Before my face could reveal my heart, I left for the door, leaving her stupefied. Sometimes when I reflect on the blessings I have received as a human, the capability to feel puzzles me the most. You can’t stop feeling it when it comes to you. Or try feeling it when it isn’t there. Newton’s force doesn’t apply to the matters of the heart for the heart is free and vulnerable. Hers, was free today. Mine, vulnerable. I knew there must have been a hundred questions running through her mind, she must be in a mess. A beautiful mess. God! I love her. I wanted to go back to her, hug her tight and tell her that its okay. That there’s no harm done. That we’ll be fine. How? I didn't know. 

    My car was parked outside. I told my driver to take the car home, and that I’ll walk. Too many thoughts were choking my mind. So many doubts needed clearance as I thought of when I first met her at my cousin’s wedding. What chord in my heart she struck, I’m yet to learn, but the music of that chord has forever been reverberating in my heart and no matter what she does, my heart doesn’t seem to stop loving her. She was introduced in my life as my cousin’s friend. The same cousin whose wedding served the seed to start the growth of the love tree between Sanchita and me. I vividly remember her dance that night. Vibrant as she is, her dance performance that night further stirred my desire to marry her, to raise our children. I imagined our daughter to be exactly like her with sheer joie de vivre. I had painted the happy picture of my perfect life in my mind. I sent her a marriage proposal which was very humbly accepted by her family and she came into my life as my wedded wife. I was at my happy best my wedding day. The vows that I took that day with her by my side, I meant them all. Little did I understand that the marriage vows are taken by two people to be together forever, and that our love tree was only a plant that I will have to uproot someday. Her soft hands in mine, and my adulated self had declared it to be the luckiest! She was the Parvati to my Shiva, designed for me by my God, and I failed to ensemble her as a being who could have her own imperfectness. 

    Have you ever wanted something so strongly that when it is given to you, you fear it will be taken away? I did not have that fear then. Sanchita was mine. “Ay Mister! Wanna die?!!” I heard the screeching noise made by the wheels of car that stopped behind me. A man was shrieking angrily from his car window. He looked funny with the way his moustaches moved as he shouted, his nostrils flaring. I avoided his derogatory remark but his tone jolted me back to reality and I found myself amidst heavy traffic in the middle of the busy road. 

    What had I been thinking! My confused demeanour gave another stranger the right to whisk me aside to one corner of the road. Ah! And I thought it happens only at my house. As my mind switched from thoughts of her lacking congruence in my life, to the incongruity of myself on the damn road, I saw a signboard of a lounge bar only to head straight for it. I ordered myself a drink and sat high on one of the stools in the noise. The noise in my head would anyway dull this music.

    We couldn’t have got along together forever. And when I did realise this, I couldn’t confront her. I remember that day very clearly. I was home early from my factory, much before her usual time to get back from office and I had enough time to set her up for a surprise! I was decorating the room with dreams, flowers and candles when I found it in her drawer. It stifled the dreams, all of them. The flowers lost their fragrance that day, candles their illuminance. When she was back home, she sure was surprised with the scentless decoration of our room. What surprised her more was my mood that evening. She tried to ask, I couldn’t utter a word. What I found that day created a distance between us and made me imagine things I never had before. My behaviour towards her changed, but not for long. I loved her too much to stay this way for very long. I had had to get her out of this. I had to give her the love she deserved.

     Another drink. 

     It was not a tough decision. I wanted to see that spark in her eyes that I knew I would not be able to create. And this thought was exciting enough for my exhausted mind to give birth to a plan. Taking refuge in the lamest excuse of a business trip, I went away from Sanchita to find joy in its literal meaning, in the city of joy, Kolkata. This was the place where Sanchita had studied arts, and from my obvious guess, this was where I could find the whereabouts of the man she could be happy with. It took me three whole days of exhibiting in full bloom my otherwise fading talent of investigating, talking, convincing, extracting information, joining the dots, looking around for the man who could make Sanchita happy. I finally found his address. And that was where my plan set me out to next - Mumbai, the city of dreams. When at first I met him, I came to realise that looking for his address was not that big a task. I had more of a mammoth task in hand - to know if he can truly take care of my Sanchita. It would have taken me forever weighing his love against mine, so I risked it on our luck and he joined in my plan to come back in Sanchita’s life. Sanchita was not aware that her past will join her present in a way she will not be able to resist. My Sanchita was too naive to keep herself from falling in the trap I had setup for her against her volition. 

    A bottle of scotch. 

    Sanchita must be very upset. Oh why! Why did I go there? But to see that smile. What have I done. Why does my heart ache? Oh Sanchita! You are the peace to my wandering heart. You bring me solace. I wish I had words to tell you that you looked stunning lighting those diyas this Diwali. When you cooked idli for the street children you invited for lunch, I thanked my God for making you a part of my life. Those dance classes you used to go after your office, did you ever see me watching you through the glass? Get me one more drink please! Sanchita? I am sorry Sanchita, I’m so sorry. You’re very special, my girl. So what if... It is just okay. You will be fine. I will be fine. I am feeding my selfish conscience. Will I be fine with this malaise? When I opened my eyes, I was home. I took out from the drawer and read again what changed my life forever - Sanchita’s test reports that said she could never be a mother.