You have taken care of me very well Dr. Sana, and so this not-so-old-a-man feels obligated to talk about somebody more close to my heart than this pacemaker of yours. She is my heartbeat, my life. It has been fifteen years since she left, but those memories are still as fresh in my mind as these lovely daisies by my bedside.
I vividly remember the day I saw her the last time. I have lived this day a thousand times in the fragments of my imagination, over and over again. Every time, in the end, she missed her flight. But not that day.
She had been sitting next me at the airport. Amidst all the noise, the stress and the regularities of the world, she was so quiet, so peaceful, so rare. Together we listened to the same announcement, yet again, without uttering a word to each other. It was her last call to board the flight. She sighed and finally checked her baggage to be double sure of her belongings - her handbag, her backpack, her luggage, all were in place, but me. She got up in no hurry as I sat there watching her. (I have imagined every possible thing, trust me, and I am still clueless as to what she had been thinking all this while). She extended her right arm to wish me luck and say bye. I stood, dumbstruck, blank, looking for a valid, sane reaction to give. My body, thankfully, came to my rescue as I clasped her hands briefly, mechanically. I watched her leave, her difficult, small strides towards Gate Number 4 of IGI. I did not help. I could not. I did not want to make a display of my weakness. My hands were now in the pocket of my jeans and my face trying to conceal the thunderstorm ruining my head. I felt numb, paralysed standing there; not able to think straight, not able to move. All I could do was, watch her go.
At the end of the gate, she stopped. She turned back to meet my stare and she smiled. That moment, Dr. Sana, holds a very special place in my heart. It seemed as if suddenly the wisdom of the entire universe had dawned upon me. I knew the reason for my being, suddenly I was so clever. As sudden Dr. Sana as she told me she was going. As sudden as my world came crashing down upon me. As sudden as she left. I have bottled that memory of hers safely and when nothing works right for me, I still uncork it to live that moment. Now you know why I keep smiling. Contagious it is, her smile Dr. Sana. I could have lived a thousand lives and died a thousand deaths for that one smile. A smile, and she left to embrace her dreams, as I sat there on the chair at the airport for hours, re-visiting mine.
I met her the first time in a college. You would not call that time apt for romance, but I could hardly lift my eyes off her. She had a perfectly toned and clear, oval face like a doll’s that is chiseled from the finest of woods. Her eyes had the blackness of the lonely night holding many secrets, her eyebrows were so sharp they’d cut you with a glance if raised, had it not been for the subtle softness of her warm smile. A tiny nose was accurately crafted above her supple lips. Her lips were the best shade of raspberry pink, not needing any colour to shade them further. Her long, thick, black locks were tied loosely into a braid. Along with her grace, she had adorned herself with small, gold earrings that day. Fair as she was, her dimpled chin made her an epitome of Lady Luck. She seemed a goddess to me, a goddess of good fortune. Sitting in the examination hall, with others racking their brains to answer the questions of the entrance test, there was I, beaming at the most beautiful girl my eyes had just witnessed. She kind of noticed my stare, avoided it, and continued with her writing, very much the ‘girl way’. She must have been used to people admiring her beauty. You’ll think it is the lover in me that speaks; believe me when I say she possessed such duende that as hard as you try, you couldn’t just stop staring at her!
Her uncomfortable demeanour made me remove my gaze away from her that day and concentrate on my answers.
After the test, I ran out of the room to look for her. She was with her friends. I noticed her bubbly, chirpy self, her expressive eyes, a smile as broad and radiant as the curve of the moon and the moon itself. A car approached her before I could, blame it to the unsettled arguments between my heart and mind on how to strike a conversation. She waved a bye to her friends, made herself comfortable on the back of her car and left.
“Discussion over”, said my mind. “Really? Are you kidding me!” Teased my heart.
That day, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. That smile followed me constantly. I did not know her name. When I could not hold myself back any longer, I took the keys to my bike and headed for the college in search of her. It was 9:30 p.m., how and where I’d find her, I had no clue. The college gatekeeper did not let me in and I couldn’t wait for tomorrow. I jumped the wall into the college. I sneaked through the garden into the corridor and tiptoed towards the classroom. Luckily, the room wasn’t locked. I unbolted the room and lo-behold! There was the seat where she sat. My heart which had been beating so fast until now, seemed to pace down as if it found what it had been looking for. I could imagine her sitting there, nervous, adjusting her green dupatta, screening the test paper through those deep, dark, black eyes, not even once looking at me. She was lost in the paper, I was lost in her. I was jolted back into reality when somebody patted my back.
“Where, hero?” Said the elderly man in a uniform. He must have been the guard. I had not noticed him entering the room. “Here, sir. I was here this morning for a test and I left my uhh, keys here”, I stammered an excuse. “Gentleman, you have the keys in your hand. Now, leave.” I looked at him blankly for sometime, and to his amazement, in the fraction of a second before he could understand what’s happening, I jumped the benches to that one seat, looked at the roll number stuck on it and chanted it like a hymn. I ran out of the room memorising the roll number under my breath which was so heavy that night. I did not stop, or care to listen and answer the man for the fear of forgetting the roll number. I could sense boys running after me, but I jumped the wall out and stopped only to start my bike. The whole way back home, I kept repeating the roll number. Once home, I opened my computer, loaded the site “All India Engineering Entrance Examination” and typed the roll number on the search box in capital letters: T/2733/5518. I know this roll number by heart.
The wait seemed to be till eternity when I finally saw her name. A name just to her beautiful self, Saaysha Jaiswal. Lovely. I tell you Dr. Sana, these youngsters today are so privileged. Those days weren’t as easy for lovers as today, we did not have Facebook or Instagram, we had phone directories. That night, almost all the Jaiswals of the city with a phone connection had received a call asking for “Saaysha Jaiswal”, in vain.
The next some days all my friends were assigned the task of finding Saaysha Jaiswal. She had become a celebrity overnight. Everyday my friends came up with a new plan to locate her. We were so innocent those days Dr. Sana, that it makes me laugh. As much as the daring dudes and the clean chit liars that we were, we dared not think of becoming Agent Vinod and check for Saaysha’s details in the college again. One fine day, one of my friend introduced me to “Orkut”. I made my account and searched for Saaysha. I did find a profile by this name, but the picture displayed was of the mighty mountains. Okay, so, my very sweet lady love, loved the mountains. And I, (take a bow for the wow job done by me), finally got her number!
A hundred rehearsals done, and the D-day was here. With trembling hands, I dialled her number; no response. A second try, and she picked up.
“Hello”, a hoarse voice answered at the other end of the receiver.
“Is it Miss Jaiswal?” I asked, my voice exuberating confidance.
“Yes speaking.”
“Your father called for a Refrigerator Maintenance, can I know your exact address please and the best time to visit?” My confidence was at its peak.
There! I had her address! I was so elated that day that I can’t express. I was jumping in excitement. I had to calm myself down and somehow convince my heart to meet her the next day only, after doing all the pre-requisite preparations. I could not risk to lose this chance. The next morning, I wore a new shirt, put on an expensive cologne, got a chocolate for her and went to her specified address. Once there, I did what any bollywood hero would have done. I hid behind the bush waiting for somebody to come out of the house. I remember I waited for exact forty-seven minutes, patiently, with the mosquitoes. The door opened and a girl stepped out. That was my chance.
When she was out on the streets, I walked up to her and asked about Saaysha. She looked puzzled. I repeated my question to which she said, “I am Saaysha”.
“You can’t be!” I snapped.
“Yes I am Saaysha. What do you want from me?” She seemed angry.
Damn. She was the wrong girl. I offered her the chocolate and apologised. I told her I had been looking for another Saaysha. She laughed and wished me luck, she took the chocolate though. Dejected, I went back home with heavy steps and an even heavier heart.
After this incident, I stopped searching for her, but I didn’t forget her. You must have understood by now Dr. Sana, she wasn’t a face to just see, stare and forget. She was here, there, everywhere. I lived more in her thoughts than in the present. My friends complained, I preferred staying indoors now. I couldn’t just forget her smile. I was happy in her thoughts.
The results of the examination were out and I was selected. It was my first day in the college and I was not very excited. In the class, I pulled a chair randomly and sat down.
“Excuse me,” said a sweet voice.
I have heard this somewhere Dr. Sana, there are some sounds listening to which your heart beats faster. For me, it was that voice.
I lifted my gaze up to look at the lady and who do you think Dr. Sana the voice belonged to? Obviously! There she was, in my very own classroom!! I-just-could-not-believe-my-eyes! I was once again lost in her eyes, she asked, ”Is this chair vacant? Can I sit here?” I am sure she recognised me. I admired the way her eyes twinkled with mischief even as she made her mouth in a sulky fashionista moue. I got up, not only she but anybody could see the happiness on my face. I did not attempt to hide it. Happily, I got up to help her keep her walking aids. Yes, you heard that right Dr. Sana. She did not have the other leg. I am sure she didn’t need it. She was perfect. I adored the perfect her.
Four years of college and she became my very good friend. In these four years, I had grown to love her so much, so much that I feared losing her by telling her this. Sharing tiffins, celebrating birthdays together, helping her board her bus everyday, our group studies, sometimes the secret exchange of smiles and chocolates, she was my dream come true. I loved her then, I love her now, I’ll love her always. On the college farewell day, I had decided to confront her with my feelings. ‘You are no less a goddess”, I told her. Before I could share anything else, she laughed and said she was going to Australia.
That was another night I barely slept. The clock on the wall ticked the whole night giving me company as I tossed and turned in bed, thinking. I finally decided to keep my feelings to myself and bid her bye. I would tell her about it when she comes back. An year later, I heard the news. It devastated me, broke me in a way that I have never been able to recollect myself even today. I had lost her again. She was no more. Those days, it seemed I was devoid of everything heavy, every single feeling, pain or otherwise essential to sustain life. I felt no mass. I had come to question God. Why God, why? She was a brave heart, my sweetheart. I was attempting every way possible to link the scrambled pieces of the puzzle in my mind, to a meaningful picture. Why did it happen to her? Why did I not stop her at the airport?
Every picture that I could make out of the pieces, made me cry. My mind tried to give me peace in the old adage of dying, God needs good people so He takes them away from us. But my heart never accepted the fact that she was no more.
It has been several years to that incident, but years hardly define time. It still pains, in a sweet fashion. She taught me what I would not have had known otherwise - God has his own reasons of doing things and his own ways of showing those reasons to us. We just have to be patient and trust him. She was there in my class, sitting next to me, when I had last hoped to see her. It couldn’t have been by chance. There had to be a reason. I met her for a reason. I know the reason now. Her smile at the airport was the reason, the reason for me to carry forth the goodness, to spread the smile.
