It was raining since afternoon, I remember. We were heading back home from a long and tiring day at office. Rain always lifted up my spirits, but not that day. I was in my favourite white dress, a dress that took me one entire day to choose in, and six most coveted dresses to select from, and I had been saving it from any stain since the time I left office. Wish I had seen the weather forecast and had not trusted the sunny morning temptation of wearing white.
He stopped the car as if in a hurry in front of the gate of our apartment. I stepped down and…splash! A puddle of muddy water welcomed me home.
‘Mr Saad! How do you always manage to find a perfect landing for your goddamn aircraft I fail to understand? Damn these rains!’ I exploded with the intensity matching the intensity of the jerk with which my umbrella opened up to cover me. I would have said more but I noticed a kitten, such a darling little thing, all soaked up in water and all cold, on the staircase that led to our flat, just a stone throw away. ‘Oh baby! Poor, poor you! What made you leave your house in this cold?’ I ran to pick her up and cuddle her. My dress anyway was ruined. She whimpered softly and curled in my hands, as if reciprocating my care. Animals have a way about them, cats specially! They steal your love.
As I sat down on the stairs, stroking her on her back to give warmth, talking to her in the most honey dipped words I’d ever used with any human off-late, I noticed his eyes on me. I looked up and there he was…safe from the rain, leaning his back on the wall, arms crossed, hint of a smile on his lips, and eyes all on me. That moment, despite all the temper I had in me, I felt I was falling in love with him all over again.
In a second, memories of that fateful day flashed before my eyes, the day that had changed my life forever. That day too, as I packed my belongings into a bag, silently sobbing, shivering, everything breaking inside me, I had noticed him from my window. He had been standing against his car door, the same calm face, the same soothing eyes, patiently waiting to take me to a safer world. How could his face be so calm and radiant after that awfully bad quarrel with Asad! I was having goosebumps by the mere thought of the episode when this young friend of mine, Mr Saad, stood courageously by my side to uphold my dignity when I had lost the strength to fight back my honour. He was the one fighting for me when my ex-husband, Asad, blatantly, shamelessly accused me of everything that could stun me to silence and suppress me to surrender. I consider myself lucky, for that day I was not in my senses. I did not listen to my mind that thought of nothing but ‘save-your-marriage’ quotes. For once, I just followed Mr Saad, as if I was under his spell. He opened the door of the cage that had held me captive, the marriage that had nothing left to deal with. He saved me from the psychopath Asad who had been torturing me, for no reason, abusing me mentally, physically, every day, every night since the day we married, so much that my body had become numb with no sensations of pain. That day, I had seen fire in the eyes of Mr Saad when he looked at Asad, and the same eyes when turned towards me, had the gentleness of the rains.
Ah, the rains.
Mr Saad was here back again, in the rain with the same enchanting looks that could kill just anybody, and I had to save myself.
‘God, Sana. Behave,’ I warned myself. Before my looks could give it all away, thankfully I noticed my spoiled dress. ‘What are you smiling at me for Mr. Saad? You spoiled my dress. My fairy white dress. You men ought to be given lessons on stopping cars at the right places for a lady‘, I said. I was clearly upset. I could see he was mused as he moved to sit by my side. He took out a plain white kerchief from one of his pockets and offered it to me. Bit of a weird act it was. He seldom behaves Shahrukh Khan. Mr. Saad, for those who don’t know him, is very particular with two things – He hates to be late for office. And he likes his kerchief clean and white. ‘I am really sorry Sana..Don’t be upset over a dress my dear. I‘ll buy you another’, he offered with the most earnest look he could plant on his face within seconds, making strenuous efforts to hide his smile for the concern to show. ‘Of course not, Mr Saad. Thank you. I am sure you forgot how many hours I spent on choosing it alone,’ I said coldly, emphasizing the word ‘alone’ deliberately as I put the little kitten down in a comfortable corner.
‘Cheer up doll! Okay, let’s have it this way. I’ll go with you shopping this time, any day you please. No office, no calls, my time will be all yours! And also, today, I will clean up your dress just as you like it. Now can I have your smile? Please!’ I wouldn’t have had forgiven him that easily. Not for those looks, not for that smile. But the offer he gave was too good to be turned down. If he wishes to wash my clothes, buy me a dress, and trade that for a smile…no harm done. My dress, of course, won’t be the same for I know the stain won’t go that easily, but no worries. I get to shop, plus I get somebody to carry my shopping bags for me and tell me how beautiful I look with every dress I try. ‘Deal’, I told myself. ‘Still not fair. Just not fair. You should’ve warned me before I got down. How I hate rains!’ He moved closer, took me in his arms, and said, ‘How I love rains! How I love you when it rains!’ If you’ve ever sat down on the rocks beside a stream throwing pebbles into water, mourning over love lost, and you look up the sky to see a rainbow, you smile…you’ll exactly know what I felt that moment. ‘I need nothing of this world, but you Mr. Saad,’ I said to myself and hoped my thoughts aren’t loud enough for him to hear, ‘just a new dress’. This part, for obvious reasons, I thought out loud.
I smiled back and whispered softly in his ears, ‘If you give a little pause to this, my hero, and release me from your hold, we can walk to our flat for I am real tired!’ ‘We don’t need a pause for that, love!’ He proclaimed. And to my surprise, he took my umbrella, closed it and then carried me, my bag, and the umbrella all the way to our door!
Once home, I changed into something comfortable and stepped the kitchen humming some melody of the 90’s. Ah! Another fort to conquer, dinner.
‘Do you feel like eating Mr. Saad?’ I enquired.
‘Eh…ummm..’, was all the reply I could hear.
I guess I framed it wrong. ‘I mean, what do you feel like eating Mr, Saad?’ I corrected.
‘Anything! Anything you cook is amazing!’ He said in a more chirpy tone.
Anything. I actually want to meet the one who thought of the word ‘anything’. Just what does it mean! That night, anything for us meant spring onions and roti. As I engaged myself with my kitchen duties, I could hear Mr Saad and his first love, his washing machine, working together to free me of the worst of my frights…washing clothes! ‘Forgive me Allah, for you know he himself offered to wash the clothes. I am not making him do it as you see.’ I prayed.
The dinner on the dining table was ready to be served. I sat down and waited.
‘Mr Saad?’ No reply.
‘Mr Saad? All is well?’ Still, no reply.
‘Mr Saad, I am drained of all my energy. I am eating.’ Silence.
‘Very well then, I eat alone’.
I served on his plate a handsome helping of the spring onions and took some for myself. I considered waiting for another five minutes. ‘If he doesn’t come in five minutes, I won’t care,‘ I thought. Thankfully, he was back within time. I noticed the change in his mood, but preferred to ignore it. India must have lost again to Pakistan. Cricket and men!
On the dining table, we talked mostly about the new flat we were about to buy. I was telling him how I would get the walls painted pastel green before we shift in. After dinner, he chose to wash the dishes to which I solemnly obliged. I was left wondering….no clothes to wash, no dishes to tend to, extra care you get with toppings of some extra sweet romance, shopping offers, and company! It actually should rain more often!
It was night when he confronted me with his reason of his mood change. I had my eyes closed and was almost sleeping. I had forgotten to ask. Maybe he too made a mental note that time on the dining table to tell me at night. And he, never forgets.
‘Sana, do you love me?’
Absurd. What a question to ask a wife!
‘Mr. Saad, you jerk! Get some sleep.’ I pushed him away.
‘If I accept some wrong I did, will you forgive me?’ He asked.
I sat up. This was getting serious. ‘What wrong did you do Mr. Saad? What is it on your mind? Shoot right away!’ I warned.
He was silent. Silence can be the most lethal weapon to use. You can cut me with a knife anytime, but don’t kill me with silence.
‘Mr Saad?’ I tried a softer tone, ‘What is the matter love? You can trust me with what you have to say.’
He looked up but couldn’t match my stare. And again, silence.
‘This silence is deafening Mr. Saad! Speak before I imagine countless occasions where you could have gone wrong and trust me…I won’t spare you if you trouble me this way!’
‘I have to show you something,’ he said in a low voice.
He took my hands in his and led me out of bed for me to see what he had to exhibit. My heart was racing. I could feel I was shivering, why, I couldn’t decide. ‘He can’t do any wrong, he is my hero,’ my heart assured my mind. He took me to the balcony. Balcony? What has he been hiding there? I thought of the last time I visited our balcony, straining my brain thinking of something suspicious that I had seen, but in vain. Once there, he switched on the lights and I saw it. Red, yellow, grey, green…all colours. My once a white dress was fluttering proudly in the little rainy breeze on the clothes line, displaying all colours that you can imagine randomly scattered on it. I…actually…shrieked!! I turned back and hugged Mr. Saad tight, very tight this time. I had tears in my eyes. He embraced me back, without saying a word. I could feel he was sorry, very sorry. And then I laughed. I laughed and I laughed! If you are a girl, I bet you’ll figure out the reason for the shout, the tears, and the laugh, in that specific chronological order. He stood, dumbstruck! I couldn’t just stop laughing. He was scared.
‘Sana, you’re fine? I don’t know how to apologize and make up.’
‘You actually can Mr Saad.’ It was my time to play.
‘How? Tell me. Tell me anything I can do, I’ll do it for you, just anything.’
‘Buy me an ice-cream.’
And so he drove me to the ice-cream parlour all the way in the rain.
All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am. It is true that Mr Saad opened the door to my freedom and encouraged me to cut the chains that had continued to imprison me, glue me to my past for a long, long time even after I left Asad. It took a lot of an effort to let go of everything that held me down, but I did it. It was my will to give my life a chance again, my will to shrug my past, my will to love and marry the man who was my hero, my will to stay strong, and be who I am. And, it was a beautiful night. I had Mr Saad, the rains, and the ice-cream of course, the dress can go to hell. A hundred such dresses I can dump just to have your company Mr. Saad, and I know you know this, and you also know I won’t say this. I love you Mr Saad.
-Farah Rizvi
